Category: Let's talk
The title says it all.
Use your own definition of abuse (i.e. you weren't allowed to wear lipstick as a youngster, to you went to the emergency room on a weekly basis.)
Bob
My mother was extremely emotionally abusive. I never knew the rules until I broke them (I didn't magically know to empty the dishwasher when she didn't ask me to), and she seemed to enjoy the power trip that calling me stupid and incompetent gave her.
She seems to be completely in denial about what living with her growing up was like. She was gone out of town a lot for work, and I often felt that my time with her when she was in town was subdivided by boyfriends.
It is quite complex...
Kate
Somehow I doubt many abuse victims will come forward, as this is not an easy topic to discuss. Although you may get a few because it's the Internet and nobody knows each other.
Not to rain on the OP's parade, just an observation. Post 2 took a lot of guts though.
My dead asshole father could be quite verbally abusive, especially when it came to helping us with homework and such things. Oh, and one time he hit mom, and she told him if he ever did that again she'd have him thrown in jail. Yet she was OK with him hitting us kids? What the fuuuuuuck?
Agreed, I think getting people to talk about this will be difficult. the boards can
be google searched.
So, if your family happens to find out your username, and you have been in this
situation, finding out what you said using google, or the sights search function,
or by viewing the list of topics you've posted too, could lead to a lot of drama.
Particularly if you did experience real, abuse. I for my part probably wouldn't
risk this on a form that's so public, considering some members of my family
know this online name I use on a few services.
No one has to post here, and someone might want to start a similar discussion on graffiti where folks can post anonymously.
Your warnings are good ones.
Bob
as someone who has posted a lot of my story on various board topics, already, I won't be posting specifics here on this one. I'm not ashamed of anything I've gone through, but as others have said, there's a lot more risk involved than people might think.
this is a very deep topic for me. I was verbally and physically abused by my
mother as a child. She'd hit me for the most minor of infractions, and she would
say things like if she died it would be my fault for making her mad, and I regret
having you and stupid shit like that. To her I was always a bad girl, undeserving
of anything she ever gave me or did for me. Oh and she would use the religion
she's part of against me, like saying that I'd die when armegedon comes
because I was a wicked child and that god could kill me if he wanted to. She'd
literally lie on top of me when she hit me and pulled my hair, she was an evil
piece of work and I don't regret saying that. I was also sexually abused, and
believe it or not he's still with the family, so I've cut them out of my life for
good. I'm not ashamed of what I've gone through, nor do I feel sorry for myself
as I'm not in contact with her. I honestly don't care about posting this, because
I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been through crap like this. And besides I'm
free from her, so if she were to ever come across this it wouldn't affect me at
the slightest because she can't do anything to me anymore. I'm free at last
from her.
A lot of mental and emotional abuse, yes. When I was about 6, when Mom wasn't getting her way about something, she'd tell me and my brother that she'd put a gun to her head and pull the triggor and blow her brains out, and then we wouldn't have a mother to tell us what to do. That threat continued until I was about 15, when I finally just turned around and began walking to her bedroom, where she kept the gun in a nightstand drawer. I told her she might as well just get it over with. She loved to put on a show in public, so no one would ever guess what a monster she could be in private.
my birth canal was the same way, as far as deceiving people publicly, only to let loose, behind closed doors.
to this day, I still occasionally get told by people, "she's such a sweetheart. I think you're making everything up."
That is how my aunt was too. So nice in public or if someone was watching. But not once the doors were closed. She would let her daughter hit me and stuff too. I remember hiding behind the coutch to get away and plotting running away. I finally had the gutts to when I was 19. Never been back and they just can't seem to understand why.
My dad was the "strong" type, and my sister and I feared him greatly.
He used to drink a lot. However, he never hit us. He sure did threaten to.
However, when he died my mother told us that when he came back from world war two, he was completely different.
After raising a couple of kids of my own, I've come to respect him a lot.
Bob
Dad didn't drink, but fear them hands. Better not have been wearing sweat pants that day.
I understand that this topic is a little old but I want to bump this up because it's interesting. As a child I was dragged to church, hit, yelled at a great deal, and called names. I'd call that abusive.
I honestly can't comtribute anything to this, because I was a well taken care of, and spoiled child.
It is interesting what people think of as abuse though.
I also feel sorry for these that were.
My dad's side of the family was better with me. And I think we've all seen abuse in some form or another.
lots of emotional stuff, really. And I have confronted the person about it, but they're in denial. they use the excuse, "It's cultural," to cover up why it was done. I recall a lot of yelling in the house when I was little. You know, too young to understand the conversation and what it all meant, but old enough to understand that the yelling meant mom was upset. It was almost like she'd act like I wasn't there, and she'd just carry on screaming. Yes, spanking was a punishment in the house, and that in itself has turned me against corporal punishment completely. Smacking doesn't teach a damn thing, IMO, but I've said that in other places, so I'll shut up for now. She's definitely pushed me away. I don't open up to her about personal stuff that may be going on. Part of me wants that mother-daughter relationship withher, but most of me says get away, it's okay to love her from a distance.
To answer the original poster's question of whether or not I was abused? I'd say yes, but it certainly was nowhere as bad as it could have been. Yes, I'm emotionally scarred for the rest of my life, but the only thing I can do is take what happened to me and learn from her mistakes.
Reyami, that sounds like a positive approach to a bad situation.
Bob
After reading these posts, I am doubly grateful that I had a happy childhood. Sure my parents divorced when I was young an I didn't see much of my dad or my brothers after that, but I was basically well treated and loved and happy as a child. I think we all need reminders like this to appreciate our parents if they didn't abuse us. It seems to be more prevalent than most of us realize.
Reyami's outlook is the same one I have, about my situation. although, I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm scarred for the rest of my life, cause I believe that's giving the abusers power, even in a small way. I let go of doing that years ago, and won't hesitate to encourage others to do the same, if possible.
My mother is a bipolar off meds, so you can imagine she is a complete nut job. She would hit us occasionally, but most of her abuse is verbal and emotional. I don't live with her anymore fortunately, but she is still abusive toward the people who do. Threats, name-calling, degradation, and so on. And she used the Bible to justify it all.
She is a teacher, and she has always treated her students far better than her biological children. Nice to everyone in public, then she would bitch at us and our father when she got home at night. She treated all of us, including my dad, like shit, and my dad only stays with her for her money. She can be silly, kind, and helpful, but it doesn't gloss over what she did.
Like Blue Velvet, I was never abused - my parents also got divorced, but I see them equally.
What makes me sad is when teenagers moan and whine about how "terrible their parents are; they've ruined my life!" They don't actually apreciate what parents - non-abusive parents - have done for them.
I totally agree with you on your last paragraph Greywaves. :)
Well no situation is the same, nor does everyone let go easily so you have a
right to your own feelings. Being scarred or not doesn't make you better or
more positive. I also don't think that there's a tie when you should let go, some
things you just can't forgive, but that's just me. And well I'm not numb
emotionally so I am scarred for life. Again I can't dictate how others should
feel.
Maybe its just because i'm young, relatively speaking. Maybe i'm just a little
immature. But some of the things I went threw are things i'll never forget.
Some, I don't know i'll ever be able to forgive, either. On a day to day level,
they don't all effect me. Though at times i'm faced with struggles and reminders
that stem from the rather interesting childhood I had.
Admittedly, I know a lot of people that reacted really badly to having an on the
hole average life/family. That did annoy me. though, I also understood that until
you truly experience abuse, you've got nothing to compare it too either.
Its really easy to sit on that high horse and compare apples to apples, when
you're not the one getting the bad ones.
So. A lot of good points here.
This whole business of 'don't let it get to you' creates more victims, in my opinion. Goes along with forgive the abuser.
Let go as much as one can, sure, but this all takes time. Religion and psychobabble would have you believe you should decide to forgive, decide to think positive, etc and so on. Except, you can't make yourself forgive any more than ou can make yourself believe. You can decide to work and do your best to not let it overpower you, but that is truly all you can do. I used to struggle with that, with recurrent nightmares, wondering if maybe I was not forgiving or letting go properly or some other similar thing. See how it goes? Blame the person who went through the situation.
I'm not buying any of it, because it's yet another way to try to make yourself believe the unbelievable.
I'd rather affirm the victims where they are at. James is right, the high horse is useless. Even if we get on the high horse with ourselves, I think. It stops being useful very quickly, and becomes an enormous waste of energy and resources.
Ironically, when I quit trying to comply, to forgive, to let go, to see the supposed good in it, and all of that, it's gone its own way. With the occasional flashback I have accepted that I will probably just deal with. But no more guilt about not doing, being, trusting, or positive-ing, enough to overcome.
everyone deals with abuse differently, just as they deal with other life situations differently.
I'm not saying, or even implying, that people should see things the way I do. if they do, great, but if not, as long as they're able to find whatever works for them, that's what matters.
Sexual abuse in and outside of my family, verbal abuse from a teacher, Physical abuse by a sibling. If I didn't do what he said he'd beat me with a belt or otherwise try to make me listen even though he himself was just a kid and he did as much and even way more fucked up things than I did. and even had a family member steal money from me right in front of my face. I guess some of those were just instinces of scumbaggery and not anything ongoing; I still see it as being taken advantage of. You know, I could never understand why people think family should go above all when situations like extreme abuse is present. Seems to me that the best thing for victims is to be as far from as is safe away from that shit, and damn that blood is thicker than water crap to hell!
what i've learned, shockingly or not, was that I had to let myself really feel it. At
the time, coping by not letting it effect me was really the only way forward.But
i've learned, eventually you've got to get that stuff out of your system or it will
start overtaking you. Its probably one of the hardest things to do, particularly in
a society where we're told that as men, we're not allowed to have those kinds of
feelings. for the longest time, I thought I was being week.
I think, James, so long as you are safe about it. Ironically it's a bit like being on an acid trip. You need to be in a place where you won't be freaked out by other things, and with someone who can talk you down. If you can't do that, bad things can happen from letting yourself feel it.
You're right, though, for us men. It's also accused that we men will repeat the abuse. That is everyone's first concern, so you are treated as a criminal first and foremost by many if they discover you have been abused, all because you happen to have a penis.
This in and of itself is very difficult to navigate, and I have no wisdom for how to manage it. I know that every time I see my daughter do something cool and amazing, every time she gets to live her normal life, two things happen. I am in a way restored by her relative normalcy (with some exceptions like religion). But also I am unashamed to say I have a private sneer moment: for those who accused me of probably going to repeat the cycle.
most of those so-called statistics are skewed anyway, and most abused people do not actually repeat the cycle that was done to them. Think about it from an evolutionary perspective for a second:
If you burned yourself, would you then burn your child, just because you got burned? And how would something like repeating dangerous situations be a trait nature would have selected for?
Don't believe the repeat-the-cycle nonsense. Most of it is put forth by your six-day creationist people, or people who subscribe to some other brand of woo. These are people who get offended when you ask the hard questions, like, what study shows this to be true? Why were only men tested? What about the majority of the participants who don't actually repeat the cycle?
These are the same people who believe the falsified statistical study in 2001 that prayer works.
it's time to get sane. I love being sane. Real bad shit has in fact happened to me. But I am an average guy who saw it as fucked up from the beginning. Not every single thing, but I questioned it all. If our ancestors hadn't questioned dangerous situations also, perhaps our species would not even be here.
But we are here, most of us evade danger for our kids. There are aberrations who don't. There are aberrations who repeat the cycle of abuse, or eat their young, or abandon their young to the elements, and so on. But these are necessarily aberrations if you think about it. Otherwise we would not be a dominant species. We would be relatively obscure, if at all. Preying from within and being preyed upon from without.
I would challenge anyone who disagrees with me on this to demonstrate for us how nature would select for repeating abuse.
It's not your fault you were abused. And some of us who have grown up and no longer believe in myths, would say you are from a natural evolutionary sense, most likely to not repeat the cycle. If you think the abuse was wrong, and you compound that with the fact you don't know how someone could do that to a defenseless child, your odds of not repeating the cycle just went through the roof. Despite popular myths.
You're not the criminal, your abuser was. If your abuser was herself abused, that means she or he was an aberration of nature, and in no way means you are going to abuse. That is the typical apologetic argument of correlation = causation, and it is stupefyingly wrong.
thank you, leo; very eloquently put.
James also has a good point, which is that, if a person doesn't allow him or herself to feel the abuse they're experiencing, how can they be expected to grow away from it/to want better for themselves?
as far as I can tell, he isn't saying people should be distructive, but trying to encourage them to face it head on, and not allow society to make them feel ashamed about talking openly about their experiences.
This "you'll repeat it" was the sermon I'd get from my mother. Watch wen you're
a mother and you'll do just what I do. It'll hurt you to hit your kid but you'll do
it anywa, kind of bullshit. Well first off I don't want kids. And secondly if I end
up having one I swear on whatever that I don't want to be like my mom. That's
my fear of being a other. I don't think I will but my mom says that her mom was
like that. I honestly don't know. I think I wouldn't be like her to treat my kid like
she treated me, but thank you Leo for that last post
Nah, you won't, if you don't want to be. Problem is with most parents, they pass
that shit along, because its all they know. Rahter than considering a better way,
they just throw in the towel, and say "Well, i'm alive. My parents must have
known how to do this, considering i'm not so messed up."
exactly.
it's true, as people have said, that if you know abuse is wrong, you won't inflict it on others.
[redacted]
to the last poster, is this something you're interested in changing, or are you content to live with it?
chelslicious, no I'm definitely not content living with it at all. Still trying to change it. I won't ever give up trying on that.
are you looking at places to move to? cause, in my opinion, if you're determined enough to do something, you'll do it. you won't just try.
I'm not saying, or even trying to imply that it will be easy, but it's certainly doable, especially since you're way past legal age, if I'm not mistaken.
Yes I'm way past leagal age. I'm working on that I have other circumstances and obstacles that are in my way but I'm working on it. That's all I can do and that's all I will say on the boards about this.
that's what you've been saying for years, but to each their own.
Whatever.
There are many individuals that have come forward more then I would have expected.
In short, to answer the original question, Yes, I was definitely emotionally and verbally abused often in my childhood. My father is most likely an ISTJ on the Brigs-Meyers and quite artless about his words and has quite a temper. He also pretends to be pleasant outside. the examplary traditional man. I won't elaborate anymore here, however. I am a private individual and only share the details with the closest of friends. However, yes, I am another one who did not have a peaceful childhood. I however, felt as if it made me stronger and more independent, not that my personality does not have a role in this, but I feel as if the amount of work I have placed in being just myself and to do most things for myself so to stay as distant as possible from my family has been somewhat of a blessing in disguise. Of course, the abuse was not enjoyable at all. I wish our family was closer, but because of the situations which my family has placed me in, I usually do not reveal much of my private life to them.